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LJ for the EMO in me

Livejournal seems to be a thing of the past. The only people who still post, it seems, just have a hard time letting go of what's gone. I fit into that category nicely.

I have been thinking of the myriad of things I have to let go of, and find myself wishing that things went differently. It feels like grief, like a breakup of sorts, except that I'm not breaking up with anyone.

A great deal of loss comes from my family. Three years ago, he was still there- and well, I am not about to write the 20,000 words necessary to paint the picture, but I'll tell you what it means. He was still there, my mom was still married, I was trying to hold it together, and there was no prospect of change on the horizon.

My siblings meant the world to me, I grew up practically raising them. I was 9 1/2 when Josh was born, 11 when Nathan came along, and by the time I cut Bissy's cord, I was almost a teenager. I would read to them, care for them. Feed them, sing to them. Play with them, watch them grow up. I heard my mom say a thousand times that all the effort I put into their care would be paid back when I had children, that my sister would adore her nieces and nephews.

Then in 2010, I started to report the incidents. For some stupid reason, I didn't report the things he did to me because I wasn't a "minor" anymore by the time things got unbearable. Instead I just left. But when I saw the scars and marks of what he did to those kids, I couldn't be passive. What this ultimately led to was his forced removal from the house, and my mom, who had always said suicide was the answer, was now forced to choose between the kids and her husband. Over a painful year, she finally filed for divorce.

The moment the divorce cleared, she announced she was moving across the country with my siblings.

I had no idea I had changed my own future like this. Yeah, I didn't want them to be beaten and oppressed, but at the same time, I didn't want them gone from my life, even if it is for a better life. That's like wishing death on someone you love so that they can be rid of the pain of this world. Okay, not exactly, but I felt that same grief I felt when Andre died. I felt like I was losing people I never wanted nor counted on losing.

Yes, I'm selfish. I told my mom how I felt and she did not respond well. She said, "So you want me to stay here and be miserable because you refuse to move?!" among other hurtful things. I don't think she can quite put herself in my shoes. I wish she would. I had to hear her talk about how she was robbed of her family because she voluntarily moved to Miami. I had to hear the stories about how glorified an extended family is. And now if I ever do have those children, they will never have that.

And of course, I can't help but feel lied to and used. Like I was being used as a teenager, used like a nanny, paid in nothing but empty promises and orders, only to liberate them and in turn be punished for it.

Oh, Dolan

One of our early convo excerpts. Now I know better. Donald was mild compared to things I've read about actual ducks.

me: of course
But I think it's time to get to bed

Jorge: for you? or for both of us?
hehe

me: what?!
I was talking about Donald. It's time to get to bed..
haha

Jorge: you're gonna bed donald/!
?!

me: OH YES
Haven't you ever seen The Three Caballeros?
He LOVES pretty girls

Jorge: they sing and they samba
they should Ay caramba
*shout

me: yes
He swoons when I'm around
So, I'm indulging him. Besides, he's not so bad, either..
Just a little predatory for a duck

Jorge: lol
I ahve this image now of donald knawwing at your arm

me: And I though I was the one who was being kinky here
Gee whiz
(I admit, I did laugh out loud when I read that)

Jorge: erotic is using a feather. kinky is using the whole duck.



:/

I can't read anyone's entries since July. Weird.

Post Halloween Post

Jorge & I are still house shopping. It's evolved from looking at tiny townhouses to large single family homes turned into 3-6 efficiencies illegally and now to small, townhouse sized houses with a yard. There was one we saw last week that we loved- it has a fireplace (Um... why?) a brick BBQ, a cactus in the front yard, palm trees, avocado, banana, mango, and some other fruit trees. It's not perfect, but we love it. It needs a little work, but we would gladly labor over it. It's taken months for us to look... and the process is fun but it's hard not to get my hopes up. I was literally praying to God that we will find a house that will be right for us just before we saw that one. And I'm still trying to keep the attitude that if we miss out, it wasn't meant to be. Goodness knows we have come a long way... but I still have hope that we will find "it" soon.

Jorge has been an angel as far as helping with contacting the Realtor, and our wedding contacts. He's struggling through another new grade at work and arguing with Geico during all this, but he doesn't complain. He is amazing. Speaking of amazing... he tried to orchestrate some sort of surprise for my birthday. He tries so hard! Bless his heart. Two of my friends showed up. Next year I want to dress up and celebrate Halloween for the first time in my life. My god, this year it was so boring. I guess last year was just hard to follow. Jorge also bought tickets to see Jonathan Coulton for my birthday! To clarify, the show is in January. I was so touched that my eyes got all teary. It's touching to see how much he cares.


WE did our registry last week, and the woman helping us was suggesting things, and we don't know anything about what would match with our potential home's decor. All I could think was that I would want to incorporate as much geek stuff as possible, like this:
  
It felt productive to get some stuff done, like our registry and website. There's still a thousand things left to do, so I'm going to try and enjoy this as much as I can.


Edit: I forgot to mention that Anthony sent me a package with "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" with a hilarious card. =)

News Flash

I LOVE MY FIANCE! He is the best person in the history of ever.

The wedding is 6 months, 2 weeks away.

We're going to make an offer on a townhouse.



The news (it happened one week ago exactly)

So... after much anticipation, Jorge asked me to marry him. I said yes. And I didn't even look at the ring until a few minutes later. I was too busy hugging him, and my eyes were too blurry anyway.

I feel like a kid again

English->Italian->English "Eight Days a Week"

Ooh your child of love, Conjecture you know it' s to align.
Hope you have need of my child of love, Hardly I have as it need.
It holds it, it loves it, it holds it, it loves it.
The ain' the t it has obtained nothin' but child of love, Eight days a week.
He loves it ev' girl by day of the relè, Always on my mind.
A thing I can say the girl, Loves it continuously.
It holds it, it loves it, it holds it, it loves it.
The ain' the t it has obtained nothin' but girl of love,
Eight days a week. Eight days a week I love you.
Eight days a week is not enough in order to show the cure of I.
Need of Ooh your child of love, Conjecture knows it' s to align.
Hope you have need of my child of love, Hardly I have as it need.
It holds it, it loves it, it holds it, it loves it.
...etc.

English->Portugese->English

Ooh I need its borracho the love, Assumption you I know it' trues.
Hope you need mine borracho the love, Only as need I it.
He arrests me, he loves me, he arrests me, he loves me.
Me ain' t começ nothin' but borracho of the love, eight days one the week.
It loves it ev' girl of day of the relay, Always in my mind.
A thing I can say the girl, I love it the time all.
He arrests me, he loves me, he arrests me, he loves me. Me ain' t começ nothin' but girl of the love, eight days one the week.
Eight days one the week love I you. Eight days one the week is not sufficient to show to the care of I.
Ooh I needs its borracho the love, Assumption you knows it' trues.
Hope you need mine borracho the love, Only as need I it.
He arrests me, he loves me, he arrests me, he loves me.
Me ain' t começ nothin' but borracho of the love, eight days one the week.

Courtesy of Babelfish.altavista.com, a source of my childhood entertainment. I used to write silly little parodies of things and then filter them through the translation of several languages until it was nonsense.

I made this!

Too many to counts

My true love showered me with gifts for the 12 days of Christmas or something. Anyhow:

-Hotel Dusk room 215
-Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney "Justice for All"
-Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney "Trials and Tribulations
-Apollo Justice Ace Attorney
-Phoenix Wright manga
-Futurama Seasons 1-4
-The Sims 2 for Mac
-Kermit keychain
-Beaker shirt

And more